PART TEN

No. 10: Some things just aren't meant to be.

As the story of such a short time in my life is coming to an end, I'm reminded of a famous saying.

'If you love something, you should let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. But if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.'

It's beautiful, don't you think? I've come across it so many times in my life, never really realizing the true meaning of those words until Autumn touched my life.

So briefly she touched it. But so deeply.

And now that I see it ... now that everything is clearer to me than the most simple facts of life - I don't regret my choices.

I don't regret sending her away, even though nothing has ever hurt as much as watching her walk out that door. You wanna know why?

Because I made the choice of letting her go, and she came back. She was mine to love forever. No matter the distance between us.

Years have aged my features and erased many of my memories, but nothing can stop me from thinking about her. Wondering where she is, or if she's still alive. If she's happy. Hoping that she's found someone to love her as much as she deserves to be.

The way she wouldn't let me love her.

When it all came down to it, Autumn was nothing but a beautiful woman, who was scared out of her mind. Scared of loneliness. Scared of closeness. Scared of everything that would require her to give up a part of herself to another human being.

Scared of love.

Her insecurities forced me to give up one of the most important friendships in my life. A friendship to a boy who was so innocent and troubled, so naοve and intense that I never stopped being amazed by him. His amazing character - his overwhelming concern made him a man that I was proud to call my brother. Until the day something as beautiful as love came between us.

His picture is still on my nightstand.

I can't bring myself to hate either one of them. Love shouldn't provoke hatred - that would be too devastating. Despite my many nights of endless tears, screams and haunting thoughts, I never once doubted that she would be happy with him. Not even once.

I can't help but wonder, though. Some days, when everything seems to crumble right before me, I can think of the way her sweet smile and shining eyes always captured me and made me feel safe.

Then I find myself making it through another day.

Sometimes, I am taken right back to that final moment and I notice all the little things. The way the light from the sunset bathed her in an orange spotlight, and how her green eyes were enhanced by tiny brown specs every time a fresh tear trickled down her cheek.

I wish I knew the reason why her eyes changed colors like that.

Maybe we were put together by mistake. Nowadays that's the only reason I can come up with. Someone up there screwed up somewhere along the way, and had us fall in love by accident.

Maybe.

If so, I thank God for that mistake.

And now, decades later I'm left with only one wish. Only one more thing I want her to do for me.

Promise me to be happy, my sweet Autumn.

I'll love you for as long as I'm still breathing.

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FIN.

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