That One Time Kevin And Brian Ate Pizza In The Bathroom And Heard AJ Having Sex


"That's a completely illogical argument," Kevin said, walking briskly down the hallway. "Of course a chair is there even if there's no one else in the room."

"No, but think about it," Brian said eagerly, trailing after him. "No one can vouch that that chair is still there, you know? There's no one to see it. Who's to say that all these things we're surrounded with aren't just stuff we've created in our minds?"

Kevin shook his head. "They're tangible things, Brian. You can touch them as well as see them. People have spent time making those chairs, which means they're real. Plus, even if no one is actually in the room, you can still monitor it with cameras. Hand me your keycard."

Brian shifted the pizza box to his other hand and pulled his keycard out of his pocket. "But what if the person who's monitoring the cameras are just seeing those things as well, and they're gone as soon as he isn't looking?" He rolled his eyes as Kevin slid the keycard through the lock and the tiny light switched from red to green. "Look, I know it's nonsense, but just try to imagine for a second that the world isn't totally black and white, all right? Don't you ever think about things like that?"

"I believe in stuff you can't explain," Kevin said, a tad defensively. He pushed the door open. "Just not in philosophical crap that some professor somewhere came up with so he could get laid."

"You're such a classy man. What if-" Brian stopped abruptly and closed the door after him. "You're in mine and AJ's room," he said.

"Very good," Kevin replied, occupied with checking the drawers in the nightstand. "And all the chairs and tables are still in the room and I'm not even looking at them. It's amazing."

Brian shifted the pizza box again. "Why are you in here exactly?"

"I need to borrow one of AJ's CDs." Kevin straightened and looked around the room with a small frown. "There was a song on there I wanted you to hear, it was that kind of idea I had in mind for the piano piece I - okay, he said it would be on the nightstand."

"Do you always break into our rooms when you need stuff?" Brian asked.

"I didn't break in," Kevin said, waving a absentminded hand. "You were with me and you had a key. You don't know where it could be, do you?"

Brian gave in with a sigh. "He was listening to something in the bathroom this morning," he replied, heading in that direction himself before Kevin could start rifling through his personal stuff as well. "The pizza's gonna get cold, you know."

"It can hold for a couple of minutes." Brian walked into the bathroom and put the pizza box down on the toilet lid before he looked around for any stray CDs. Kevin trailed after him a second later. "We need to decide on a movie, too."

"I don't know." Brian held on to the sink and leaned down to check the space between the cupboard and the bathtub. "Pay-per-view got anything good?"

"I think I saw some Tom Hanks mov-" Kevin stopped abruptly, and Brian looked up when he heard it as well. The hotel room door had slammed shut, and there were very distinctive noises in the room suddenly, high pitched giggling that quickly dissolved into a moan and was followed by a low, very familiar murmur.

Brian and Kevin looked at each other, eyes wide, and before Brian could properly register the situation Kevin had reached over and pushed the bathroom door shut.

Brian could do nothing but stare. "What are you doing?" he whispered as loudly as he could.

"I don't know!" Kevin whispered back, looking momentarily surprised at what he'd done himself. Outside there was the definite sound of bedsprings creaking and more giggling. Kevin's ears were looking a little red. "What's he even doing bringing girls back when you two are rooming together?"

"He thinks I'm hanging out with you all night," Brian muttered exasperatedly, letting out a half breathless laugh. "I told him that before he went out."

The girl moaned something that sounded like, "right there, god, yes, right there," and Brian pressed his lips tight together so he wouldn't do something like start laughing hysterically and make the situation even weirder than it already was. Of course, the level of weird he'd have to go to would be something like suddenly finding himself on Mars with an alien inviting him over for tea.

"We can't go out there now," Kevin said, actually looking contemplative, like he was debating the most practical solution for their over-crammed morning schedule.

"Not after you closed the door, no," Brian said under his breath, backing up until he could sit perched on the edge of the bathtub. On the other side of the wall AJ was saying, "take your shirt off, baby, yeah, slow like that," and Brian made a face. Baby, seriously?

Kevin was still by the sink, staring intently at his sneakers. Brian almost laughed again. How could you anything but, in this kind of situation? If it'd been Nick in here with him they'd probably have tried taking pictures for future blackmail. It really was a twilight kind of life he was leading.

AJ let out a low, rumbling groan and Brian bit his lip to keep himself in check. He heard Kevin ask, "what?" and shook his head.

"Nothing," he said. "I was just thinking I know that sound. I bet she's kissing his-"


"-neck. What?" Brian looked over with a grin. "Too much?"

Kevin shook his head before he actually huffed a small laugh and came over to sit next to Brian in the tub, apparently relenting. They were quiet for a second before he spoke again. "You and AJ … did you two ever…?"

"What?" Brian asked. "Oh, you mean … no, we didn't." The rhythmic knocking of the bedpost against the wall almost drowned him out. "Well, I mean. We did stuff, but not that." He gave Kevin a look. "Jeez, Kev, what - come on. It was two weeks. Who moves that fast unless they're in catholic school?"

"I know, I know." Kevin looked vaguely apologetic, even though he didn't have any real reason to. He made a vague gesture with his hand while he was looking for words. "It's just that AJ's always pretty … eager." AJ moaned right as the words were out, and Brian had to struggle not to laugh when Kevin's lips twitched. "And it's not like he's going particularly slow in there."

"It's not exactly the same," Brian said, frowning when one of the light bulbs over them started flickering.

"No, that's true," Kevin acknowledged quietly.

Brian picked some lint off his jeans and tried not to listen to the rapid increase of moans in the other room. "This is the most bizarre place we could have this conversation, you know," he pointed out.

Kevin chucked lowly. "Makes for a pretty unique memory, though," he murmured, shifting uncomfortably around in the bathtub.

"Your butt cold too?" Brian asked sympathetically.

"It's gonna fall asleep any second," Kevin said, sighing. Brian stood up, making as little noise as possible - not that they were going to hear him, he was pretty sure they were drowning out any noise on the entire floor - and grabbed the pizza box from the toilet seat.

"Hungry?" he asked, holding it out to Kevin.

Kevin's raised his eyebrows. "You're kidding."

"What?" Brian crawled back into the bathtub and settled down with the box in his lap. "I haven't had anything to eat since lunch. And who knows when we're gonna get out of here."

He opened the lid and pulled a slice loose. The cheese was mostly cool by now, so it didn't stick to the rest of the pizza in those long elastic strings that Brian really liked. It still tasted great though, and by the time Brian had munched through half his piece Kevin apparently couldn't resist any longer and walked over to grab a slice as well.

It was the strangest thing Brian had ever done, sitting in a bathtub eating pizza with his cousin while his friend was having crazy loud sex in the other room.

The girl started a series of breathy little moans, and then there was a string of "oh, AJ, AJ, AJ!"

Brian tried, he really did, but he couldn't help the quiet little laugh that escaped. "Creative," he muttered, and grinned again when Kevin snorted.

The pounding of the headboard slowed, then stilled completely after a couple of seconds. Brian and Kevin looked reluctantly at each other. "Thank God," Kevin whispered. "Maybe they'll fall asleep and we can-"

"No, just relax, baby, I'll go get the towels," was what AJ unmistakably said, and then there were padded footsteps across the floor that came closer and closer. Brian froze with the pizza halfway to his mouth. "I'll be back in a sec and-"

Brian figured that he could mock AJ much, much later for screaming like a girl.


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