PART TWENTY-THREE

*Melody*

I had no idea how long I was gone or where I even went. The next couple of hours were nothing but a blur. Like someone had thrown a blanket over my head, leaving nothing but the comforting darkness for me to dwell in. At least that was a place where you could forget, if only for a while.

I didn't even know how I made it to AJ's house. But as I stood in front of his door, surrounded by the night and the dim light from the living room, I knew that I had to finish what I came to do.

I had to break his heart all over again.

I used the key he'd given me only a few hours earlier and stepped inside the house. At first it seemed like no one was home, the house was almost pitch-black dark. I walked into the living room and looked around, squinting my eyes in order to see better. The only light came from a small lamp in the corner of the room.

I saw AJ sit on the couch, his hands folded behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. He hadn't even moved when he heard me walk into the room.

"Hi."

He met my gaze and leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. "Hi."

I walked over and sat down next to him, making sure that there was safe distance between us. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He met my gaze again, but didn't say anything either. My God, he looked so exhausted. Dark circles had formed under his eyes and his stubble was thick from not shaving all day.

"Please don't do something like that again," he said, breaking the silence, and I nearly flinched at the sound of his hoarse voice. "I was worried sick. Where have you been?"

"Just out," I whispered and looked down. "I couldn't stay there anymore."

"Yeah, I kind of figured that."

I met his gaze again and frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He sighed and shook his head. "Nothing. Never mind."

The room fell silent once again. I closed my eyes tightly and fought back the tears that I knew were on their way.

My beautiful Alex. I'll always love you; I hope you never forget that. Even when I can't say the words out loud or even understand why I feel this way about you … just know that I always will.

"I came to give you this," I said quietly and placed his key on the table. "I won't be needing it."

He looked at me, confusion written in his eyes. "Why no-?"

"It's easier this way," I said quickly before my voice could crack again. "For the both of us."

He turned his body to fully face me and grabbed both my hands before I could react. "No, Melody," he said firmly. "You're not leaving me now. Not after today."

I took in a trembling breath and pulled my hands from his and looked away. "I'm sorry about what I said at the hospital," I said quietly. "It wasn't your fault and I never believed it was. I just … I just snapped."

"I don't care about that," he said and placed his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "Don't go," he whispered brokenly. "Don't push me away again, Melody, I beg you. I need so much right now."

I pushed his hand off of my chin before he could feel it quiver. "I'm sorry," I whispered and shook my head. "I just can't do this anymore."

He stared at me, heartbreak written all over his beautiful face. I wanted so badly to reach out to him, to brush his cheek or run my hands through his hair, but I knew that it was impossible. I could never touch his face or kiss his lips again. That was just something I would have to accept.

After a moment of silence, he leaned back into the pillows and stared blankly ahead of him. "Do you know that I had watch them take her away?" he asked, his voice strangely monotone. "I had to watch them take her down to the fucking morgue, Melody. They barely gave me a chance to say goodbye. Then they had me signing idiotic forms while trying to deal with the press at the same time, even though I could care less what they write in their no-good tabloids."

He looked back at me and continued, "And all this time, you were the only person on my mind. You, Melody. I didn't know where you were and if you were all right. I was so…" He stopped himself and swallowed hard before continuing. "I was afraid that I'd lost you, too," he whispered. "I needed you so much when I saw them take her away, but … you weren't there."

Tears were falling down my cheeks before I even registered it. "Don't make this harder than it already is," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I supposed to make it easy for you?" he exclaimed and moved closer to me. "Faye is gone, Mel! For God's sake, don't make me lose you, too."

"Stop it!" I cried and arose from my seat. "Why do you keep on doing this?"

"Why do you think?!" he retorted, anger and hurt shining in his eyes. "My God, Melody, I would give up my fucking life for you, but whenever I tell you that, you get so scared that you can barely see straight. Why won't you let me help you through this?"

I swallowed hard and shook my head. "Don't start with that, AJ," I said, my voice trembling. "You know exactly wh-"

"Yes, I know why," he interrupted, getting up from his seat and walking over to me. "You're terrified of my love for you, because that means you might actually have to tell yourself that you're worth a damn." He stepped even closer and reached his hand out to brush my cheek. "You're scared because you don't know how to love me without giving me a piece of yourself. Well, let me tell you something. There is no other way. You have to trust me and know that I won't leave you as soon as you let your guards down. I'm not Fletcher, or anyone who has ever hurt you in the past."

I struggled to control the hiccups that the sobs were causing me, but the fact that he was hitting too close to home was driving me over the edge. "You prick!" I screamed and shoved his chest as hard as I could. "Don't you dare make assumptions about how I feel, you got that? You don't know shit!"

"Of course I do!" he exclaimed, holding tightly onto my shoulders and forcing me to look at him. "I know you! For better or for worse, I know you better than anyone and that's scaring you to death!"

I closed my eyes and held my head down, willing to do anything to escape those piercing eyes of his. "Stop," I whispered. "Please stop."

He forced my chin up again and looked back at me with eyes full of emotion. "Did it ever occur to you that I might be scared that you don't love me like I love you?" he asked, his voice cracking. "You've left me once before and now you're about to leave me again. It doesn't exactly make me believe that you love me as much as you say you do."

A small, agonizing sob escaped my throat and I backed away from him, crossing my arms over my chest. "Why are you doing this?" I repeated.

"Because I can't stand the thought of losing you all over again," he whispered, letting his arms fall to his sides. "Especially not now that…"

He stopped himself before he could go any further and looked down. "Just say it, AJ!" I exclaimed and threw my hands in the air. "Now that Faye is dead! That's what you meant to say, wasn't it?"

He flinched from the words and closed his eyes. "You're not the only one who lost her, Mel," he said quietly and looked at me again. "She was my baby girl, too."

"How long have you been around, AJ?" I questioned as I placed my hands on my hips. "5 months? I was there from day one!"

"What are you saying?" he asked angrily. "That I didn't love her just because I haven't been around as long as you? That's fucking bullshit! I loved her more than anything else in this world!"

"I know you did!" I screamed, my voice cracking over again. "Don't you see? I fucking knew that, AJ! I saw it in your eyes every time you were even near her. That's what hurts the most!"

He stared at me, a small tear slipping down his cheek. I looked away, unable to bear the sight of him being so upset. And all because of me. "Do you wanna know why I can't be with you?" I asked and met his gaze again.

He swallowed hard and reached up to brush his moist cheek.

"Do you wanna know?!" I repeated, my words increasing in intensity. "Because every time I look at you, I see her face. That's why I can't touch you. That's why I can barely look at you! Everything you do reminds me of her and I … I can't live with that."

"Do you think I don't see her in everything you do?" he croaked, his eyes flickering with more hurt than ever before. "But that's not a bad thing, Melody. She was a part of you and me and no matter what, she always will be. Why do we need to forget her?"

"I-I can't…" I stuttered, feeling the lump form in my throat again. "I can't look at you every day and remember how much you loved her and how wonderful you two were together. It hurts too fucking much!"

"I know," he whispered and stepped closer, tears brimming in his eyes. "I know it hurts. But I wanna help you, Melody, if you'll just let me."

"No!" I exclaimed and stepped back. "I don't need you!" I screamed as the tears moistened my cheeks. "Do you hear me, AJ?! I don't fucking need you!"

He buried his head in his hands and his shoulders started shaking hard. A heartwrenching sob escaped my throat at the sight. I wanted to rush to his side and wrap my arms around him and comfort him through this. I just couldn't. God help me, I loved him more than words could say, but I couldn't be there for him. The realization was tearing me up inside.

"But I need you," he whispered and looked up again. His cheeks were tearstained and his eyes bloodshot. "I need you like I've never needed anyone in my entire life. Do you think I like telling you that when you're fucking shredding my heart to pieces all over again?! I can't help it, goddammit!"

"Well, I'm sorry," I said and shot my chin up in defence. "I guess that's not my problem."

Don't listen to me, AJ! Fuck you, can't you see that I need you too?! For the love of God, put your arms around me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

He blinked surprised and took a step back. "How can you be so cold?" he whispered brokenly.

"I don't have any tears left," I said simply and crossed my arms over my chest. "I can't cry anymore, but I'm finally able to see clearly. If I stay with you, it'll destroy us both in the end. Can't you see that, AJ? There is no way to get past this."

"What are you so scared of?!" he exclaimed angrily, his fists tightening so hard that his nails were probably drilling through his skin. "If you wanna yell at me or tell me to go to hell to get past this, then just do it. But don't … don't leave me behind again, Melody. Not when I need you the most."

I sighed and bit my lower lip in frustration. "You wanna know what I'm scared of?" I asked quietly and stepped as close to him as I possibly could. I met his gaze and fought hard not to reach up and run my hand through his hair as I said, "I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up beside you some day, and feel nothing but hatred for you. I'm scared that eventually, I'll start blaming you for Faye's death. But most of all I'm scared that I'm gonna stop loving you because of what happened today."

An unexplainable emotion crossed his face after I finished. The only word that came close to describing it was ‘heartbreak.' Complete and utter heartbreak. I hesitantly reached up and dried his cheeks, feeling my own tears press on as I did so. He closed his eyes and placed his hand on top of mine, holding my hand in place.

"Do you have any idea how much I need your arms around me right now?" I asked, my voice cracking with emotion. "How much I need you to make love to me again? But I can't let you do that, because I know that I'll decide to stay with you if that happens. I can't let that happen … n-no matter how much I may want to."

He looked at me again and my hands started trembling when I saw the raw emotion displayed in his darkened eyes. "Will you kiss me?" he whispered as he pressed his forehead against mine and weaved his fingers into my hair.

I stared at him, wanting more than ever to follow his request. All he was asking for was a kiss. A sweet, beautiful kiss that always reminded me of how much he loved me. He'd run his one hand down my back and stroke my cheek with the other, exploring and caressing every part of my face with his skilled fingers.

I needed that more than the air itself right now. Needed to feel his body pressed against mine, his lips capturing my own. God, I ached for it. I just wanted to forget the pain, if only for a moment, and let him show me how much he cared.

So why couldn't I make the first move?

"I can't," I croaked and pulled away from him. "I'm sorry, I just … I can't."

I wrapped my arms around myself and met his gaze. The room was so cold when he wasn't close to me. I saw him stare at me, reaching out his hand only to pull it back momentarily after. Defeat illuminated from his eyes when he finally reached up and wiped the remaining wet stains from his cheeks.

"So this is your final decision?" he asked calmly and dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"Yeah," I whispered and nodded. "I'm sor-"

"Don't," he interrupted sternly and held a hand up to silence me. "I don't wanna hear it."

I stared at him in confusion, but didn't get to ask any questions before he continued.

"If you can't look beyond your own pain, then I'm sorry for you," he spat and narrowed his eyes. "And I'm sorry that you feel that you might hate me someday, because I could never hate you. Goddammit, you're about to walk out of my life for good and I still don't hate you! But you know what? If that's what you wanna do, then fine. I can't stop you any more than I could the last time. I just hope to God you know what you're doing, because there's no way I'm letting you stomp all over me a third time."

"There isn't gonna be a third time, AJ," I said sadly and reached down to grab my purse. "I … I just want you to know that I-"

"No," he said sternly as he walked away from me in backwards paces. "I'm not gonna stand here and watch you walk away from me again," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "I'll be the one who walks away this time."

With that, he turned around and ran up the stairs as fast as he could. I stayed in my spot and listened to the sound of his footsteps right up until a door was slammed shut, the sound echoing in the entire house.

"Goodbye, Alex," I whispered as fresh tears trickled down my cheeks. "I'll never forget you."

Taking one last look at his house, I turned around and walked out the door. As soon as the door was slammed shut, I gave into the sobs that I'd fought so hard to keep back.

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Chapter 22 » Chapter 24